Real life only comes in shades of grey

I feel like this picture adequately captures the essence of both Rutgers and autumn. (My second RU football game!) The days are getting colder and colder though, it's like autumn is quickly slipping through the cracks. I love winter simply for its aesthetic value (okay, and snow days), but I can't stand the cold so it's hard to reconcile.

Lately I've realized that I'm sort of at a loss as to what to do with my future. I love psychology, but grad school is very research-oriented and research is definitely my least favorite part of this semester. I'm thinking of applying to work in another research lab over the summer, since I'm committed to the one I'm in now for the year, but even then, I'm not sure it's going to be something I love doing. And time is fleeting... Sometimes I find myself wondering if I should have been a pre-med student. [I work myself to exhaustion (...okay, maybe that's a little histrionic :P) to maintain a decent GPA, sometimes at the cost of more important things, even though I know that in the grand scheme of things, it is something that is very small.] But then I'll remember how I'm so often paralyzed and hindered by my own fears and insecurities, and I'll know why I veered off that path.

I feel like all I ever do is let my fear of failure prevent me from doing anything. I gave up art because I didn't think I was good enough. I gave up music for the same reason, among others (my crippling performance anxiety, for one). I don't go to office hours to talk to my professors because I'm scared of judgmental eyes, of the pang of rejection. I'm minoring in English instead of double majoring in psych and English because I don't think I'm cut out to be an English major. And now I'm starting to question psych departmental honors, and grad school. I don't push myself enough and I'm beginning to think that that is going to be my downfall. Or at least the reason I will never be anything more than average.

I guess I just always thought that I would be going to grad school. I've been a student my whole life, it's pretty much all I know and it just seems like the logical next step. But I don't know anymore. Part of me wishes I could just be a tv screenwriter. And write a tv show that is ~psychologically thrilling. It's my very unrealistic dream job. :)

Poll: SHOULD I TAKE TV SCREENWRITING NEXT SEMESTER?!

There's a still in the street outside your window

Summer is winding down for me. I think it's the fact that I have a summer class twice a week now...and I'm just kind of ready for school to start again. I miss the dorm life a little. But I still want to go to the beach again! Sunrise beach trip, anyone? Justine and I are (hopefully) planning one when she gets back from Greece in a few weeks. :)

My dreams have been really bizarre lately. It kind of makes me wonder what's been going on in my psyche (lols). Get this - for the past few nights, my dreams have consisted of me getting shot multiple times... What. And it actually hurts! Getting dream-shot, I mean. Isn't that crazy? That you can feel physical pain in your dreams...and the fact that they never seem strange until you wake up, and there's that lingering feeling that something was off...

Song recommendation of the day: "Crossfire" by Brandon Flowers! It's splendid.

P.S. Add me on Skype! I'm kabasaurus. :)

If ten million fireflies lit up the world as I fell asleep

Last night when we left Baltimore I could smell the ocean in my hair. Add to that our discovery on the drive home that if it was dark enough, we could see fireflies lighting up the trees as we drove by - it was completely ethereal - and that makes for a lovely weekend. :)

I'm in a good state of mind right now. Occasional stressing-out-about-not-having-research-or-a-job aside, I've been relatively happy lately. And it feels so good! Hello, sunshine! It feels like I've been out of school for ages. But that's okay. Summer '10 is bangin'.

P.S. My brother is graduating from high school tomorrow night. What!

There is so much I can say but words get in the way

Pictures from the CCF Senior Appreciation Dinner! Cute. (I'll upload the rest eventually.) →

Recently, I feel like a number of people have been divulging the tiniest part of their souls to me. It's strange, because while I guess I can be a pretty good listener, I've never been the kind of person that people approach to openly talk about their emotions, their problems, and life. Maybe it's because I've been sad a lot lately - so they feel like if anything, I can at least empathize, in some way - or maybe it's for other reasons.

In the same vein, I've opened up a lot this year, sometimes to the point where it hardly matters who I'm talking to. It makes me feel exceedingly selfish...but also incredibly free. It's a peculiar sensation, almost paradoxical, even - like how sitting in your room with tears streaming down your face can make you feel simultaneously miserable and yet so alive. Feeling everything and nothing at the same time...

We're on the home stretch, you guys! I'm excited for the summer (but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't also scared :\). Let's hang out! I'm free as a bird. :)

Only hymns upon your lips, a mystic wisdom, rising with them to shore

Behold, a succulent! Dorothy and I bought him at Rutgers Day on Douglass today. :) I remember this time last year, the freshmen (so we) were scrambling to film our first class video for the CCF Senior Appreciation Dinner. There was mad traffic so Mike and Mel had to drive over to Douglass to get us, haha. And now we're scrambling to make our sophomore video! I guess sometimes time changes nothing at all, heeee. ;)

It's so weird thinking about last year. I hardly knew any of you. A lot of it was my fault. I was scared, and I put academics on a pedestal. And I'm just a generally forgettable person (at least when it comes to first impressions anyway). I've come to know this. I'm glad I've gotten to know most of you a little better this year. Thanks for being patient with me; I appreciate it more than you could ever imagine. :)

It's so beautiful out! Too bad I have to spend it holed up in my room writing my 12-page Jungian psych paper. Such is life. C'est la vie. Everything sounds better in French.

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes

One of my favorite things about spring is being able to take a walk in the evening and just look at the silhouettes of the trees against the color palette of the sky - because for a fleeting moment, you're at peace with the world, your mind, your emotions - something that I've been lacking lately. It has been a little too hot for comfort this week, though.

We were talking about the nature of our dreams at the dining hall the other day. I thought of this one recurring dream of mine, where I'm at the bottom of a pool, looking up at the surface. The sun is shining through the water, and I keep trying to swim to the top, but I never seem to get any closer. For some reason though, there is an absence of fear - which is strange, since the thought of drowning paralyzes me. But I can't hold my breath any longer, and the surface is still as far away as it was when I first started, and when my lungs are about to burst I inhale...and I can breathe. And always, this moment is so liberating. Maybe it's not about drowning, or swimming to the top, but believing that I don't have to.

And now, I shall end this vaguely introspective entry with something completely irrelevant! I call this, "Oovoo at 3:00 in the Morning." Or better yet, "Kathy, Dorothy, and Earnestine in Rare Form."

Earnestine Qiu: i wonder when the hen is hatching the eggs if it ever goes back up by accident
Dorothy Chang: i bet it does. like a giant poo.
Earnestine Qiu: you'll see when you're ripping it up to eat it
Kathy Chao: omg
Dorothy Chang: true. and then we get a free chicken egg.

Yeah, I don't even know. It's better not to ask, I think. :P

'Cause I'm the one that loves you lately

There is something so inexplicably fun about frolicking in the sunshine with your friends and taking crazy pictures. You Busch folk should venture over to Douglass sometime and do it with me. Pretty please? My new digital camera takes ridiculously pretty pictures. :)

I've been a lot happier these past few days. Maybe it's because the sun is singing, or maybe - somehow - my heart is finally finding some peace. I can't say how I'm going to feel tomorrow, or the next day, but I'm trying not to dwell on the past so much, or let it weigh me down. Every day is a separate battle, I guess. One step forward, two steps back.

I can't believe how fast this semester is going. Pretty soon, I'll be halfway done with college. I'm choosing classes for the fall semester in less than a week. For some reason I really like choosing classes. Haha, and of course the year I move to Busch there's a psych class on Cook/Douglass that I want to take. No cool points for you, Rutgers University Online Schedule of Classes.

Speaking of which, I'm really excited to move to Busch next year. But I think, a part of me is going to miss being "Kathy who hails from Cook/Douglass" to everyone (thanks for that, Abel :P). And maybe I'm scared, too. I've spent the past two years with the same (lovely) girls, and I feel like there is a comforting sense of community here that I'm not ready to leave behind. Especially since I'm just starting to feel it. I flock to my comfort zone. I'm so bad with change.

Oh! I made a formspring - half out of curiosity, and half out of general intrigue. Go ahead, ask me something! It's ~anonymous. Facilitate my procrastination. :)

Every breath is a second chance

Do you ever get the feeling the world around you is moving and you're only dimly aware of it? Your head is there, but not necessarily your heart... I think this semester, more than ever, I've come to realize that I've been settling for complacency. Sure, I work hard, but not really in a timely fashion, and only when I absolutely need to. Part of me likes to blame it on the fact that I'm the slowest reader in the world, but the other part of me knows that in most situations, I can get away with it. But sooner or later, I won't be able to anymore. And that's not even all...



Some days I feel a lot freer than others. But oftentimes I find myself longing for some kind of platonic connection (although it's not like I don't have any - I don't pretend to understand the inner workings of my mind :P), and ultimately hiding behind my insecurities, and my fear of getting hurt again. There's a certain quiet peace of mind that can come with being by yourself, but when you're alone in the sense that you're simmering in your own recycled emotions, you kind of just end up with intense feelings of disconnect. I've learned a lot about myself this year, some good and some bad. And while much of the earlier sadness has dissipated, I'm still left dealing with a (new) side of myself I'd rather not confront. And without the feeling of overwhelming sadness in my life anymore, I can't justify why I feel so lost. I want to lift my broken (and confused) spirit up to God. I want to have a passion for Him, to feel that inside of me, and not be content with a spirit of stagnancy.

As the days keep turning into night, and even breathing feels all right

So I went to a presentation for Ohio State University last week with my brother (who is a senior in high school), and this conversation occurred between the family sitting with us and me:

Man: So what grade are you in?
Me: Oh, I'm a sophomore in college.
Man: Oh, so it's almost your turn! *is excited*
Woman: Are you an expert at visiting colleges now because of your brother? :D
Me: ...I'm in college. (Sigh.)

I guess they didn't hear the "in college" part, haha. This is just like the time I went to Taiwan the summer before 10th grade and someone asked me if I was excited for ~7th~ grade. And the time a man from my church (who has known me for years - just saying) asked my brother what colleges he was applying to and then asked me what grade in high school I was in. Annnd the time I asked Josh Li how old I really looked, and he said, "definitely 16." LOL. How sad. So...getting mistaken for a high schooler? Just another day in the life of Kathy Chao, it seems. :]

Oh! I finally bought new rain boots. They have fishes on them! HOORAY.

I'm just waiting 'til the shine wears off

Sometimes I'm convinced the universe is mocking me. :\

I really like the aura stained glass windows give a dark room. Like the world around you is asleep, and you're awash in a strangely divine light. A lonely figure harshly painted onto a shadowy canvas.

It's been a while since I've dreamt. Sometimes I wake up with a lingering feeling of disappointment, though.

The sun is alive. :)

I'm feeling disjointed today, can you tell?

We move along with some new passion knowing everything is fine

^ I had this deliciousness for brunch today! Four for you, Douglass cafe.

Going to the beach last night was a good decision, you guys. (Props, Tiff! :D) I love impromptu (or not-so-impromptu) midnight adventures. :)

And for the first time in a long time, I feel like I can breathe again.

I swim for brighter days despite the absence of sun

I want to go on an adventure. I've been so confused about certain aspects of my life that, in the grand scheme of things, are very small (as much as I'd hate to admit it), and I'm tired of being unhappy.

I miss the days where I could sit on the grass, out in the sun - and wear pretty dresses without wanting to die from shivering. :P It was relatively warm today, though, and it brightened my mood. I hope spring doesn't bail on us this year; one day I will have a picnic on a sunny day, the way I've always imagined it - picnic basket and all.

Chuck is so delightful. Tell all your friends to watch it. Zachary Levi makes me smile. :)

She looks up in the sky and wonders what she knows

=(

I don't know why I keep thinking it's a good idea. Because every time I go through with it, thinking things will be different, they clearly aren't.

Not gonna lie, as awesome as this year has been for me, I kind of wish I could rewind everything and start over. The sad thing is - I'd probably end up changing nothing and doing it all over again.

I'm building a sill to slow down the time

10 random quirks about yours truly: in which you can learn more about me than you probably want to! :D

1) I love penguins. Come to my room sometime, it's like "where's Waldo?" except with penguins. Then you can meet Pinguino (if you haven't already)! :D

2) I always write "grey" instead of "gray." It's just a thing. I think it looks nicer with the 'e.' :]

3) I don't walk normally, I shuffle. I only just noticed it a few years ago, too. Consequently, people can always tell when I'm approaching and the bottoms of my shoes get worn down pretty fast.

4) I'm slightly OCD about everything changing the volume on the television. It always has to be an even number. Yeah...I don't even know.

5) I prefer verbalizing the word "sigh" over actually sighing. (And "weep.") If you've been around me enough, I'm sure you've noticed it and/or been annoyed by it. :P

6) I have a terrible sense of direction. This is why I never know how to get to places. If I've never physically driven or walked/traveled there myself, chances are I don't know how to get there. I still don't know how to get to the Point church from Douglass, for instance. I keep trying to pay attention when Tony drives us every Sunday morning, but that scenario usually ends with me stirring from a reverie. Bahaha.

7) I have a really strange way of speaking Mandarin Chinese when I'm around my immediate family. Like, I distort the words. I can't really explain it adequately; you'd have to hear it. It's not even intentional anymore sometimes; it just happens because I've done it so much already. (Speaking of my family, I'm an entirely different person when I'm around them. "Weird" is an understatement. :3)

8) It may not seem like it when you first meet me, but sarcasm is like breathing for me. That side of me doesn't usually come out until we know each other well enough, though. Such is life when you're a socially awkward person who needs twice the amount of time as an average person does to connect with people. And when I say "you," I mean me. True story. (But it makes me appreciate the people who stick around even more. <3)

9) If we have a television show or two (or y'know...ten) in common, we will probably get along fine. Extra cool points if you watch Supernatural, Lost, and/or Dexter. :)

10) Contrary to popular belief, I love hugs. It makes me sad that people think I don't like them.


P.S. Blogspot confuses me. They should just link your follower thumbnails to the actual blogs, so I don't have to waste so much time blindly searching for them (and failing). Link me to your blog if I haven't found you yet, pretty please. :)

P.P.S. My atypical development class has already been cancelled for tomorrow. That leaves me with...ZERO CLASSES TOMORROW. WHAT UPPP.

I'm up in the woods, I'm down on my mind

I don't know what prompted me to jump on the blogging bandwagon - or rather, return to it. But hello! I guess I needed a fresh start somewhere, even if it does just involve something as mundane as expressing my day-to-day musings to a blank computer screen. :)

I've been in such a strange state of mind lately, and there's something about it that pushes me to write things. Is it possible to feel simultaneously happy (for the first time in a long time) and overwhelmingly sad? I think this year I've felt more than I have in my entire life. I'm so used to swallowing my emotions, but I've found that I can't really get away with that anymore. I guess that's a good thing; there are times when it can be surprisingly cathartic.

I've been listening to Starfield's "Unashamed" a lot lately. It's really kind of beautiful. I think we sang it at InterVarsity a few weeks ago, and I don't know, it just hit me in a different way.

Here I am, at Your feet
In my brokenness complete

Bee tee dubs add me on AIM, friends! I promise I'll go online more than once every 2 years from now on. I'm still starxxglass (cool points for whoever knows where that's from), since I can't seem to think of another screen name that isn't already taken. :P