Every breath is a second chance

Do you ever get the feeling the world around you is moving and you're only dimly aware of it? Your head is there, but not necessarily your heart... I think this semester, more than ever, I've come to realize that I've been settling for complacency. Sure, I work hard, but not really in a timely fashion, and only when I absolutely need to. Part of me likes to blame it on the fact that I'm the slowest reader in the world, but the other part of me knows that in most situations, I can get away with it. But sooner or later, I won't be able to anymore. And that's not even all...



Some days I feel a lot freer than others. But oftentimes I find myself longing for some kind of platonic connection (although it's not like I don't have any - I don't pretend to understand the inner workings of my mind :P), and ultimately hiding behind my insecurities, and my fear of getting hurt again. There's a certain quiet peace of mind that can come with being by yourself, but when you're alone in the sense that you're simmering in your own recycled emotions, you kind of just end up with intense feelings of disconnect. I've learned a lot about myself this year, some good and some bad. And while much of the earlier sadness has dissipated, I'm still left dealing with a (new) side of myself I'd rather not confront. And without the feeling of overwhelming sadness in my life anymore, I can't justify why I feel so lost. I want to lift my broken (and confused) spirit up to God. I want to have a passion for Him, to feel that inside of me, and not be content with a spirit of stagnancy.

As the days keep turning into night, and even breathing feels all right

So I went to a presentation for Ohio State University last week with my brother (who is a senior in high school), and this conversation occurred between the family sitting with us and me:

Man: So what grade are you in?
Me: Oh, I'm a sophomore in college.
Man: Oh, so it's almost your turn! *is excited*
Woman: Are you an expert at visiting colleges now because of your brother? :D
Me: ...I'm in college. (Sigh.)

I guess they didn't hear the "in college" part, haha. This is just like the time I went to Taiwan the summer before 10th grade and someone asked me if I was excited for ~7th~ grade. And the time a man from my church (who has known me for years - just saying) asked my brother what colleges he was applying to and then asked me what grade in high school I was in. Annnd the time I asked Josh Li how old I really looked, and he said, "definitely 16." LOL. How sad. So...getting mistaken for a high schooler? Just another day in the life of Kathy Chao, it seems. :]

Oh! I finally bought new rain boots. They have fishes on them! HOORAY.

I'm just waiting 'til the shine wears off

Sometimes I'm convinced the universe is mocking me. :\

I really like the aura stained glass windows give a dark room. Like the world around you is asleep, and you're awash in a strangely divine light. A lonely figure harshly painted onto a shadowy canvas.

It's been a while since I've dreamt. Sometimes I wake up with a lingering feeling of disappointment, though.

The sun is alive. :)

I'm feeling disjointed today, can you tell?

We move along with some new passion knowing everything is fine

^ I had this deliciousness for brunch today! Four for you, Douglass cafe.

Going to the beach last night was a good decision, you guys. (Props, Tiff! :D) I love impromptu (or not-so-impromptu) midnight adventures. :)

And for the first time in a long time, I feel like I can breathe again.

I swim for brighter days despite the absence of sun

I want to go on an adventure. I've been so confused about certain aspects of my life that, in the grand scheme of things, are very small (as much as I'd hate to admit it), and I'm tired of being unhappy.

I miss the days where I could sit on the grass, out in the sun - and wear pretty dresses without wanting to die from shivering. :P It was relatively warm today, though, and it brightened my mood. I hope spring doesn't bail on us this year; one day I will have a picnic on a sunny day, the way I've always imagined it - picnic basket and all.

Chuck is so delightful. Tell all your friends to watch it. Zachary Levi makes me smile. :)