Every once in a while, I experience a wave of inexplicable sadness, where my emotions are a huge mess and don't make any sense (or maybe they make too much sense...). And no matter how many people I am with, I can't help but feel so, so lonely. It's consuming, devouring, terrible. I want to be left alone, but at the same time I want someone to take me in their arms, to say they understand in their own silent way. It makes me feel selfish, and I become very aware of how little I know myself. I want one thing, and when I get it, I recoil. I'm scared. Until I don't know what I want anymore.
There was a moment on the cruise deck where if you pressed your face to the space between the windows and looked out at the night sky and waters, blocking out all of the light behind you, all you saw was darkness, and tiny stars sprinkled across that palette of pitch black. And you looked out at that emptiness, and sensed nothing of substance except for the sound of the crashing waves below. It was simultaneously beautiful and terrifying, and calming - because if the world could exist in such conflict and still maintain some of its beauty, perhaps I could, too. Perhaps I could have all of these complicated emotions, and have no justification for the raw feelings that seem to boil inside me, and still be in a kind of way that doesn't negate my existence.
Life is about to get real, and I'm trying so hard to resist what's coming. I cling to what I know, and what I love, even if it's in fleeting moments and lingering dreams. Lazy summer days. They aren't what they used to be.
In the end, you're just happy to be with people you love.
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