Real life only comes in shades of grey

I feel like this picture adequately captures the essence of both Rutgers and autumn. (My second RU football game!) The days are getting colder and colder though, it's like autumn is quickly slipping through the cracks. I love winter simply for its aesthetic value (okay, and snow days), but I can't stand the cold so it's hard to reconcile.

Lately I've realized that I'm sort of at a loss as to what to do with my future. I love psychology, but grad school is very research-oriented and research is definitely my least favorite part of this semester. I'm thinking of applying to work in another research lab over the summer, since I'm committed to the one I'm in now for the year, but even then, I'm not sure it's going to be something I love doing. And time is fleeting... Sometimes I find myself wondering if I should have been a pre-med student. [I work myself to exhaustion (...okay, maybe that's a little histrionic :P) to maintain a decent GPA, sometimes at the cost of more important things, even though I know that in the grand scheme of things, it is something that is very small.] But then I'll remember how I'm so often paralyzed and hindered by my own fears and insecurities, and I'll know why I veered off that path.

I feel like all I ever do is let my fear of failure prevent me from doing anything. I gave up art because I didn't think I was good enough. I gave up music for the same reason, among others (my crippling performance anxiety, for one). I don't go to office hours to talk to my professors because I'm scared of judgmental eyes, of the pang of rejection. I'm minoring in English instead of double majoring in psych and English because I don't think I'm cut out to be an English major. And now I'm starting to question psych departmental honors, and grad school. I don't push myself enough and I'm beginning to think that that is going to be my downfall. Or at least the reason I will never be anything more than average.

I guess I just always thought that I would be going to grad school. I've been a student my whole life, it's pretty much all I know and it just seems like the logical next step. But I don't know anymore. Part of me wishes I could just be a tv screenwriter. And write a tv show that is ~psychologically thrilling. It's my very unrealistic dream job. :)

Poll: SHOULD I TAKE TV SCREENWRITING NEXT SEMESTER?!

There's a still in the street outside your window

Summer is winding down for me. I think it's the fact that I have a summer class twice a week now...and I'm just kind of ready for school to start again. I miss the dorm life a little. But I still want to go to the beach again! Sunrise beach trip, anyone? Justine and I are (hopefully) planning one when she gets back from Greece in a few weeks. :)

My dreams have been really bizarre lately. It kind of makes me wonder what's been going on in my psyche (lols). Get this - for the past few nights, my dreams have consisted of me getting shot multiple times... What. And it actually hurts! Getting dream-shot, I mean. Isn't that crazy? That you can feel physical pain in your dreams...and the fact that they never seem strange until you wake up, and there's that lingering feeling that something was off...

Song recommendation of the day: "Crossfire" by Brandon Flowers! It's splendid.

P.S. Add me on Skype! I'm kabasaurus. :)

If ten million fireflies lit up the world as I fell asleep

Last night when we left Baltimore I could smell the ocean in my hair. Add to that our discovery on the drive home that if it was dark enough, we could see fireflies lighting up the trees as we drove by - it was completely ethereal - and that makes for a lovely weekend. :)

I'm in a good state of mind right now. Occasional stressing-out-about-not-having-research-or-a-job aside, I've been relatively happy lately. And it feels so good! Hello, sunshine! It feels like I've been out of school for ages. But that's okay. Summer '10 is bangin'.

P.S. My brother is graduating from high school tomorrow night. What!

There is so much I can say but words get in the way

Pictures from the CCF Senior Appreciation Dinner! Cute. (I'll upload the rest eventually.) →

Recently, I feel like a number of people have been divulging the tiniest part of their souls to me. It's strange, because while I guess I can be a pretty good listener, I've never been the kind of person that people approach to openly talk about their emotions, their problems, and life. Maybe it's because I've been sad a lot lately - so they feel like if anything, I can at least empathize, in some way - or maybe it's for other reasons.

In the same vein, I've opened up a lot this year, sometimes to the point where it hardly matters who I'm talking to. It makes me feel exceedingly selfish...but also incredibly free. It's a peculiar sensation, almost paradoxical, even - like how sitting in your room with tears streaming down your face can make you feel simultaneously miserable and yet so alive. Feeling everything and nothing at the same time...

We're on the home stretch, you guys! I'm excited for the summer (but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't also scared :\). Let's hang out! I'm free as a bird. :)

Only hymns upon your lips, a mystic wisdom, rising with them to shore

Behold, a succulent! Dorothy and I bought him at Rutgers Day on Douglass today. :) I remember this time last year, the freshmen (so we) were scrambling to film our first class video for the CCF Senior Appreciation Dinner. There was mad traffic so Mike and Mel had to drive over to Douglass to get us, haha. And now we're scrambling to make our sophomore video! I guess sometimes time changes nothing at all, heeee. ;)

It's so weird thinking about last year. I hardly knew any of you. A lot of it was my fault. I was scared, and I put academics on a pedestal. And I'm just a generally forgettable person (at least when it comes to first impressions anyway). I've come to know this. I'm glad I've gotten to know most of you a little better this year. Thanks for being patient with me; I appreciate it more than you could ever imagine. :)

It's so beautiful out! Too bad I have to spend it holed up in my room writing my 12-page Jungian psych paper. Such is life. C'est la vie. Everything sounds better in French.