Real life only comes in shades of grey

I feel like this picture adequately captures the essence of both Rutgers and autumn. (My second RU football game!) The days are getting colder and colder though, it's like autumn is quickly slipping through the cracks. I love winter simply for its aesthetic value (okay, and snow days), but I can't stand the cold so it's hard to reconcile.

Lately I've realized that I'm sort of at a loss as to what to do with my future. I love psychology, but grad school is very research-oriented and research is definitely my least favorite part of this semester. I'm thinking of applying to work in another research lab over the summer, since I'm committed to the one I'm in now for the year, but even then, I'm not sure it's going to be something I love doing. And time is fleeting... Sometimes I find myself wondering if I should have been a pre-med student. [I work myself to exhaustion (...okay, maybe that's a little histrionic :P) to maintain a decent GPA, sometimes at the cost of more important things, even though I know that in the grand scheme of things, it is something that is very small.] But then I'll remember how I'm so often paralyzed and hindered by my own fears and insecurities, and I'll know why I veered off that path.

I feel like all I ever do is let my fear of failure prevent me from doing anything. I gave up art because I didn't think I was good enough. I gave up music for the same reason, among others (my crippling performance anxiety, for one). I don't go to office hours to talk to my professors because I'm scared of judgmental eyes, of the pang of rejection. I'm minoring in English instead of double majoring in psych and English because I don't think I'm cut out to be an English major. And now I'm starting to question psych departmental honors, and grad school. I don't push myself enough and I'm beginning to think that that is going to be my downfall. Or at least the reason I will never be anything more than average.

I guess I just always thought that I would be going to grad school. I've been a student my whole life, it's pretty much all I know and it just seems like the logical next step. But I don't know anymore. Part of me wishes I could just be a tv screenwriter. And write a tv show that is ~psychologically thrilling. It's my very unrealistic dream job. :)

Poll: SHOULD I TAKE TV SCREENWRITING NEXT SEMESTER?!