Only hymns upon your lips, a mystic wisdom, rising with them to shore

Behold, a succulent! Dorothy and I bought him at Rutgers Day on Douglass today. :) I remember this time last year, the freshmen (so we) were scrambling to film our first class video for the CCF Senior Appreciation Dinner. There was mad traffic so Mike and Mel had to drive over to Douglass to get us, haha. And now we're scrambling to make our sophomore video! I guess sometimes time changes nothing at all, heeee. ;)

It's so weird thinking about last year. I hardly knew any of you. A lot of it was my fault. I was scared, and I put academics on a pedestal. And I'm just a generally forgettable person (at least when it comes to first impressions anyway). I've come to know this. I'm glad I've gotten to know most of you a little better this year. Thanks for being patient with me; I appreciate it more than you could ever imagine. :)

It's so beautiful out! Too bad I have to spend it holed up in my room writing my 12-page Jungian psych paper. Such is life. C'est la vie. Everything sounds better in French.

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes

One of my favorite things about spring is being able to take a walk in the evening and just look at the silhouettes of the trees against the color palette of the sky - because for a fleeting moment, you're at peace with the world, your mind, your emotions - something that I've been lacking lately. It has been a little too hot for comfort this week, though.

We were talking about the nature of our dreams at the dining hall the other day. I thought of this one recurring dream of mine, where I'm at the bottom of a pool, looking up at the surface. The sun is shining through the water, and I keep trying to swim to the top, but I never seem to get any closer. For some reason though, there is an absence of fear - which is strange, since the thought of drowning paralyzes me. But I can't hold my breath any longer, and the surface is still as far away as it was when I first started, and when my lungs are about to burst I inhale...and I can breathe. And always, this moment is so liberating. Maybe it's not about drowning, or swimming to the top, but believing that I don't have to.

And now, I shall end this vaguely introspective entry with something completely irrelevant! I call this, "Oovoo at 3:00 in the Morning." Or better yet, "Kathy, Dorothy, and Earnestine in Rare Form."

Earnestine Qiu: i wonder when the hen is hatching the eggs if it ever goes back up by accident
Dorothy Chang: i bet it does. like a giant poo.
Earnestine Qiu: you'll see when you're ripping it up to eat it
Kathy Chao: omg
Dorothy Chang: true. and then we get a free chicken egg.

Yeah, I don't even know. It's better not to ask, I think. :P

'Cause I'm the one that loves you lately

There is something so inexplicably fun about frolicking in the sunshine with your friends and taking crazy pictures. You Busch folk should venture over to Douglass sometime and do it with me. Pretty please? My new digital camera takes ridiculously pretty pictures. :)

I've been a lot happier these past few days. Maybe it's because the sun is singing, or maybe - somehow - my heart is finally finding some peace. I can't say how I'm going to feel tomorrow, or the next day, but I'm trying not to dwell on the past so much, or let it weigh me down. Every day is a separate battle, I guess. One step forward, two steps back.

I can't believe how fast this semester is going. Pretty soon, I'll be halfway done with college. I'm choosing classes for the fall semester in less than a week. For some reason I really like choosing classes. Haha, and of course the year I move to Busch there's a psych class on Cook/Douglass that I want to take. No cool points for you, Rutgers University Online Schedule of Classes.

Speaking of which, I'm really excited to move to Busch next year. But I think, a part of me is going to miss being "Kathy who hails from Cook/Douglass" to everyone (thanks for that, Abel :P). And maybe I'm scared, too. I've spent the past two years with the same (lovely) girls, and I feel like there is a comforting sense of community here that I'm not ready to leave behind. Especially since I'm just starting to feel it. I flock to my comfort zone. I'm so bad with change.

Oh! I made a formspring - half out of curiosity, and half out of general intrigue. Go ahead, ask me something! It's ~anonymous. Facilitate my procrastination. :)

Every breath is a second chance

Do you ever get the feeling the world around you is moving and you're only dimly aware of it? Your head is there, but not necessarily your heart... I think this semester, more than ever, I've come to realize that I've been settling for complacency. Sure, I work hard, but not really in a timely fashion, and only when I absolutely need to. Part of me likes to blame it on the fact that I'm the slowest reader in the world, but the other part of me knows that in most situations, I can get away with it. But sooner or later, I won't be able to anymore. And that's not even all...



Some days I feel a lot freer than others. But oftentimes I find myself longing for some kind of platonic connection (although it's not like I don't have any - I don't pretend to understand the inner workings of my mind :P), and ultimately hiding behind my insecurities, and my fear of getting hurt again. There's a certain quiet peace of mind that can come with being by yourself, but when you're alone in the sense that you're simmering in your own recycled emotions, you kind of just end up with intense feelings of disconnect. I've learned a lot about myself this year, some good and some bad. And while much of the earlier sadness has dissipated, I'm still left dealing with a (new) side of myself I'd rather not confront. And without the feeling of overwhelming sadness in my life anymore, I can't justify why I feel so lost. I want to lift my broken (and confused) spirit up to God. I want to have a passion for Him, to feel that inside of me, and not be content with a spirit of stagnancy.

As the days keep turning into night, and even breathing feels all right

So I went to a presentation for Ohio State University last week with my brother (who is a senior in high school), and this conversation occurred between the family sitting with us and me:

Man: So what grade are you in?
Me: Oh, I'm a sophomore in college.
Man: Oh, so it's almost your turn! *is excited*
Woman: Are you an expert at visiting colleges now because of your brother? :D
Me: ...I'm in college. (Sigh.)

I guess they didn't hear the "in college" part, haha. This is just like the time I went to Taiwan the summer before 10th grade and someone asked me if I was excited for ~7th~ grade. And the time a man from my church (who has known me for years - just saying) asked my brother what colleges he was applying to and then asked me what grade in high school I was in. Annnd the time I asked Josh Li how old I really looked, and he said, "definitely 16." LOL. How sad. So...getting mistaken for a high schooler? Just another day in the life of Kathy Chao, it seems. :]

Oh! I finally bought new rain boots. They have fishes on them! HOORAY.